I had things to do tonight but nooooo instead of doing them so I can go to sleep by midnight at least I was playin' the Puerto Rican version of Martha Stewart - feeding people and being all artsy by decorating. I wouldn't even call it decorating more like upgrading. I found these sticky floor tiles you just peel off and stick to the floor (as if if it wasn't obvious) at Dollar Tree so I thought "Hmm this would be cute if I used the black and white marble ones to cover up that ugly tile around the fireplace like on one of those shows I saw", so I bought them. Well I just spent the last two hours doing that project. With the black fire place screen it looks really cute. I am going to buy some black paint to paint the inside of it inside of having that ugly gray and then add black and white candles to it tomorrow. I'll take a picture so you can see my work.

As for the feeding people thing, Chris had text what I was cooking for dinner to which I responded a salad. "What kind of salad? I like salad." "Lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber, avocado, chicken, whatever else I find." "Sounds delicious, making me hungry." "Do you want to come over asswipe?" "I'll be there in 20." Sure enough he came over and ate, then we watched Real Chance at Love as I put those tiles up and he laughed at my frustrations when it came time to cutting for the weird angles. I can not cut straight or even draw a straight line for nothing in this world even with a ruler! All the things I hang up in my classroom are crooked.

Speaking of classroom, so in the afternoons I am combine with the lower 2's. Well today was and is hopefully the last day of that. I am really hoping so because there is this one kid in that class who nobody likes which is sad because he is only 2 but his parents don't make it any better either. Before they bring him in at noon, he's taking boxing classes! The boy is TWO! He is two and bad. His momma teaches him to talk back and to tell people including his teachers "leave me alone". And the first time we spoke it was because I "made" her son cry when I didn't let him sit where he wanted since another child was sitting there, so since then she doesn't really care for me. Well today, she found her son playing with dolls and she had a hissy fit with me about it. "He is not to play with baby doll girls at anytime" she said but then explained she bought him a male Cabbage Patch doll for him. I think it is the stupidest thing in the world when parents do not allow their sons to play with dolls or other toys in fear they will end up too feminine or you know God forbid gay. *gasp* (I hope you get the sarcasm here). I told her playing with the doll might teach him to be a loving, responsible father to his daughters one day if he has any. She gave me the side eye and said "No he can not play with dolls". I am sorry lady, I am not going to stop your child from playing with a doll or any other toys. If he wants to dress up in women's clothing, I am going to let him AND take a picture to put on my "Stars at Work" wall.

What do you guys thinks about that - boys playing with dolls and etc?

I sit here typing this and I keep glancing over at Chris who is just chillin' watching television. Jacoya says he must really like me to come lay up on a twin size mattress with me with his tall ass (6"4'). Saturday my bed gets delivered, I am so excited. I went to get it today and the old fat man gave me so many "perks" just being pretty - his words not mine, lol. I paid cash so he didn't charge me any taxes, he upgraded the frame for the bed for free, gave me a queen size for the price of a full and then still knocked $9 off when I went to go pay for it talking about "I like even numbers so lets make it an even $440". Originally the whole thing would have been close to $700 with delivery, which he also didn't charge me for. It's not like they were having bad business either because the place was packed. Let's just say I probably will go back for my dining room set too or just something.

Oh yea, Chris. I am so happy that we have reached a mutual plateau in our relationship where it is just a friendship. I had to ask though "Do you still think about having sex with me?" He looked at me and I giggled. I shall remain strong and resist all temptations however.

My kiddies amaze me everyday. I asked one of the lil' girls how was her day and she said "So and so get son my nerves" so I said "You saw so and so over the weekend?" (Mind you these are the two kiddies who are "boyfriend and girlfriend", seriously they even call each other "mommy" and "daddy") So her dad says no and asks who he is because she's been saying that all weekend. I was like "oh that's him, they have an Ike and Tina Turner relationship going on". So not only are they hilarious but they are so smart and when they bust in a song on their own that I just taught them or tell their grandma "My teacher is funny and smart" it warms my heart and reminds me to why I signed up to do this despite all my complaints.

Oh, I can add another doomed relationship to my long list as one of the cutest couples I've known are no longer a couple. Honestly, even though they were cute and I know they love each other, I never belied they were right each other but I accounted that belief on my own jadedness so who knows. I joked how long would this break up last this time though and got called a jerk. Ha.

Crap...Ta'ron is calling me. Haaaaaaaaaaaa! Chris needs to shut up and I need to whisper.

Toodles love.

Shae from Hey Shae and Big Cheekz can testify to how crazy I am in person.

Last Wednesday I had lunch with Big Cheekz, we went to Zaxby's and for lunch we headed on over to...um I forgot the name of the place but their peach cobbler was very delicious.

Today Shae and I went to Camp Creek to get stuff for my house - paint, bathroom accesories, fireplace screen and little shit here and there. I also bought some stuff for my classroom at Dollar Tree.

You know what is weird, being with both these woman was like being with Natashia, Jennifer or one of my other besties but yet it was the first time hanging out with them in person. I guess it's because we have chatted on the phone for hours at a time, texted, emailed and etc. otherside of blogging. Plus, with the blog and me putting it all (okay, most) of myself out there they already know me well and vice versa. Nina is so sweet and funny and Shae is almost as nuts as me just more demure about it. Either way, they are wonderful people.

Shae especially thinks I am crazy because A) I can't give directions well, even while reading them off paper B) Not only can I not give directions, I can't see at night time (It's bad, I miss my stop on the bus often when I first moved here and now I have to sit in the front to see or ask the bus driver, sad) and C) She experienced my aloofness at stores first hand, especially at Lowe's. (I was trying to be all Martha Stewart like but then got discouraged easily after looking at prices and Shae making fun of my ideas, "How about black and white zebra stripes with accents of purple" haha it was bad I know) and D) She heard me yelling/snapping at my daddy which to me is always hilarious.

I am sure there's other things that reaffirmed my craziness but that's all I can think of right now off the top of my head.

If we had more than an hour, Big Cheekz would've thought I was crazy as well if she doesn't already. I am sure with more "lunch dates" she will realize it, ha.

I just wanted to quickly make a short post about it and to say I had a lovely time ladies with the both of you and looking forward to many more soon...like this Saturday soon for the "painting party" I drove Shae and myself crazy with while picking out the colors and having to deal with the weird paint mixer guy.

Okay Raw Dawg, Shae and I lost track of time on Sunday but I was going to stop by the shop. I feel horrible for not keeping my word but I swear I'll get there! I'll surprise you so I won't tell you when, lol. I need to buy a doggie gift anyway.

Confessions mini update

So last night I hung up on mortgage broker because he was actin' a damn fool and it is too early in the game for that shit. I know hanging up in just plain ol' wrong but I do do it often because I get so flustered in trying to hold back from cussing someone out that I just do it on impulse. I have gotten better at it, I really don't remember the last person I hung up on prior to last night. I do say "Bye" though, even if it isn't a polite one. Like one time I told my daddy "You need to call me back when you know how to talk to me, bye *click*". Jacoya looked at me as if I was crazy. I told mortgage broker "I am not arguing with you about this again dumbass bye bye bye *click*". He called back repeatedly and I didn't answer so he leaves me some stupid voicemail that had me and roomie giggling. Something about not picking up the phone, me treating him like a square because I wouldn't let him come over to see me and that he's the boss...

What? Uh? Boss? Of who? I know not me. Shit it was like 11 o' clock at night, hell naw I don't want you coming over to see me. He accused me of acting all innocent and having a protective shield with him when he doesn't know or understand why because a few years ago I was a "whore". He didn't use the word whore, what happened was this - I was talking on the phone with my little sister Izy who always jokes about me being a slut and he heard me make a comment about it to her. He asked what that was about after I had hung up with her. First I told him he shouldn't eavesdrop, he said I was in the car with him he couldn't help, I told him he should still mind his business and not be in other people's mouths and shrugged it off about what I had said. So then he asked me if I was involved or orgies or something, I laughed and said "Define orgies" which he did and my response was "nah it wasn't like that". He asked if I ever been with other women before which I was like no, the conversation continued and I was trying to end before I slipped up as usual. Well, that didn't work. The threesome was revealed. So he was "oh shit" but I told him that was three or so years ago and I don't get down like that anymore, I am not that girl anymore. But he keeps bringing it up to use against me so I could be less "innocent and shy".

Fuck that shit. I already told him at least THREE times, I am not that girl anymore. I've matured, I've grown up and I learned my lessons. His response is "but it's still you". Since I didn't feel like repeating myself again, he argued with air. C'mon you are 31 years old, if you were to tell me that you have not changed or grown over the course of two-three years then we have a problem. Which thinking about it, he hasn't. The signs are all there. I would never date him anyway. I don't get involve with drug users, I don't fucking care if it's just weed. That's just a big no no for me period and I am not changing that for anybody. And let's face it, there is a growing list of strikes against him anyway. S0 guess what, he is dismissed.

I went to a co-workers baby shower today. I didn't feel like going but I felt obligated since she drops me off at the bus stop and offering me help with setting up my classroom the way I like. I am glad I went though because other co-workers were there which was cool for me to hang with them, I had fun (I even won the guess that baby food game, working in the infant room paid off for something I had 8/10 right) and the food was good. Afterwards I went to Perimeter Mall with my "co" teacher and her friend. She's not really my co-teacher but I just call her that since she has my kids in the morning until 930 when I get there and then I have her kids from 315 to 630 or whenever they go home. I had never been to Perimeter, it's nice. We went to Target then to eat at Boneheads because I wanted fish. I ordered lobster bisque soup, it was alright. At Target I bought Sleeping Beauty dvd, contact solution and some organic orange mango juice for $27. But somehow I still spent about $80 I think today...$20 at the nail salon, $15 gift certificate for babies r' us (okay I am not cheap just I only have known her less than a month and it was either $15 or $30 gift certificates), $8 on vitamins, $2 card, $4 on some organic ice cream and $5 at Boneheads. Crap. I am not ballin' like that. The baby shower and dvd were not on my budget plans.

OH!

When I came home Friday evening it was like Christmas for me, lol. My cookware that Hyasmine ordered for me as a gift because she loves me so much, well it arrived finally after what seemed like forever. It's so pretty. I won't lie, it's also very heavy which made me think "I can really knock somebody out with this" as I held it as if I was about to smash some one's head in. I am psycho lately. I told my momma and she was like "Wooow she got you the good pots and pans from Macy's, those should last you a lifetime". We'll see when get married I am asking for the $7000 set I saw. I kid I kid. So there was that big box along with two medium size boxes which were filled with over $800 in children's books that Pearson sent me for my classroom. I laughed because um I am not putting these books in my room, they will destroy them. They destroy hardcovers so imagine the paperbacks. It's not intentional most days, the poor book just gets caught in the crossfire of fights. There's no way I would even put over 100 books in my "library" or carry those boxes on the bus. There was another box with stuff Ta'ron momma got for me - little household things and some stuff from Avon like bath wash and lip gloss which was sweet of her. She sent a house warming card and it was hilarious. There was also another box, lol. (Yes 5 in one day, thank God the electrician was here.) That box just had some of my shoes I left in NYC. I am still waiting for two more boxes of more shoes to arrive...

I changed the music on the player with 4 new tracks. "Turnin' Me On" by Keri Hilson (that song is the truth for me lately), "Heartless" by Kanye (not because every dude EVEN Ta'ron says it reminds them of me), "Disappear" and "Broken Hearted Girl" by Beyonce. Now those two tracks...first I heard "Broken Hearted Girl" and got a lil' misty because it was reminding me of myself when it comes to Ta'ron but when I heard "Disappear" right afterwards, I was BAWLING. Both songs are perfect in terms of my behavior and our relationship. I am so scared of ending up broken hearted which is why I distance myself from him but at the same time I don't want to be without him. I love him but I don't want to because of that fear. Then "Disappear", Lord. We both feel like that at times about each other. I know that I do because whenever I am like "alright I can do this I can take this leap of faith" he disappears, literally as most know. But no matter what I do and what guy I start talking to, he's always in my mind and in my heart. I know he feels like I "disappear" because I distance myself from him or put a halt into our relationship. We have acknowledged that it is not healthy. I also admit a lot of it was in fact because of my paranoia that causes him to get frustrated with me and step back. Shit, he can only have so much patience. But he's not faultless either because his stepping back adds to my paranoia and then even though ya'll find it cute how he's always talking about "our" life together, I am like "um hold up please".

Holy crap batman, it's 1:45. I need to go to sleep.

What's up with this shit, I've been actually blogging and getting no comments?? Ha.

Anyways if you have access to Consequences please read that first then leave a comment to this if you want.

I asked the question I did last night because I've had some epiphany over the past couple of days as I observe the people around me - children, teenagers, grown adults, etc - and come across similar paths of drama.

My kids at work are not even three and the arguments that they have with each other leave me laughing at times, especially the ones between the girls and boys. "You're not my boyfriend anymore, leave me alone" "You going to want to play with me later, watch" "It's okay give me a kiss" "I don't wan't to be your friend" "This is a mess, I need milk" ----> now that quote I think was just HILARIOUS and said after he heard me say to my assistant "This is a mess, I need a drink". I know I know, not at all child appropriate but in my defense, he was suppose to be napping. Another hilarious one was when these two little girls exchanged words " So and so, you look a hot mess" "Don't say to me so and so that's mean".

Some of the older adults (I am talking in their 40 and are grandparents) I am around as I have mentioned before act like young high schoolers and college students - clubbing, dancing on the pole, their STDs, sleeping around, baby mama or baby daddy drama, hip hop celeb gossip etc.

Then we have the people I know that are my age who are trying to do that thing we heard of being referred to as "the real world" often times while in college. We're working 40hours a week and then some, paying bills, trying to move outta our parents (yea ALL my friends still live at home except my ass, wait Keshia and Steph don't but they move out of their mommas into their bfs) and finding less time to be the social club hitters we once were only 6 to 12 months ago. Now that we're learning "this really does suck", we're talking about "I need to go back to school ASAP for my master's". 6 to 12 months ao we were saying "I am so sick of school, I can't wait to be done".

I am beginning to realize life is basically the same thing no matter what age you are what does change however is the complexity of it and how as an individual you handle it.

Two year old boy likes girl, he hits her. Eight year boy likes girl, he tells her she has cooties. Thirteen year old boy likes girl, he goes with her friend. Eighteen year old boy likes girl, he cheats on her and begs to be taken back. Two year old girl cries and hits back. Eight year girl retaliates by telling all her friends he peed on himself. Thirteen year old girl goes with his best friend. Eighteen year old girl goes with his best friend but forgives and takes him back. You get picked in throughout school for being different. You get whispered about at work for being different. You have "mean girls" in jhs and hs. You have the "haters" in college. You have the "unprofessional co-workers" at work.

Even though I thought about this earlier in the week, the events that took place last night reaffirmed this.

Inez had texted me asking if everything was okay and I said yea. Instead of texting me back, she calls me and tells me my daddy had called my mommy. Why? To tell her that I was pregnant. Whaaaaaaaaaaaat? Some of you may be saying. Yes. Now here is the story according to them.

Somebody here in GA saw my sister Cristina and told her I was pregnant. Cristina told Jessica. Jessica calls my daddy and casually mentions it by asking "How's Lena and her pregnancy" which of course caught my daddy of guard and nearly gave him a heart attack. This happened Tuesday evening which explains why he called me asking if there was anything I wanted to discuss with him in which I told him no and rushed him off the phone because I was watching SVU. So he decided to call my momma about it. My momma tells him about my prior pregnancy from like two years ago which you know I am surprised didn't freakin' kill him. When he explains the whole thing about my sisters, my momma got upset and went off on him about them because like me she wasn't buying into "she asked out of being concerned" bit that he gave her. It was a "being nosey, let's see if I can start some shit" motivation to that question, not concern. Then he gives me this whole safe sex speech (okay I am 23 and I know this shit already) and a "I am disappointed with this news you're smarter than that, you don't want to mess up your life" speech. I think my favorite part was when he asked "Why don't you tell me these things yourself" and I said "Do I need to tell you everything?" and he said "Yea, I would like you too!" while discussing the prior pregnancy. I was just annoyed. Also annoyed because everyone just talks behind my back insteado f straight up asking me shit.

***It took everything in me not to dial a couple of numbers and give a piece of my mind but my after promising both parents I wouldn't retaliate, I will keep my word. But I will say this...

And I quote "we are done as sisters". That is what was said to me, not me saying it. So if we are done as sisters, do not worry about what is going on in my life and do not ask MY father as you refer to him as anything about me because it is none of your fucking business anymore and never will be again. You can pass the message along too if you want whoever that is so intrigued by my life they come here to read, get "dirt" on me and try to have their shits and giggles. Do something a little more productive, if you need some ideas my "classless" ass has some for you.

My daddy says all of this is childish and I agree with him but it has also been pointed out by several people family related and not that given the whole situation which they know about - me blogging and what I said, the emails that were sent me, the mystery message sent to Dwayne and etc. I am the most mature acting. It is like my grandma said to me, it is my life and what I want to do with it and how I do it even if it by "fucking my way through life" as I was accused of, then so be it. What you say and think of me doesn't matter because truth of the matter is I am much happier than I think either of you have been in years. Now call my father and tell him I said this too and while you are at it, mention your herpes.***


Seriously who does this shit when they are in their 30s and with children? I didn't even have to deal with this kind of stuff when I was in college at an all girls school or in high school, and now at 23 years old I do from people who are older and stated they have no time for this. I guess you thought wrong about that one...

Ta'ron has asked me to marry him a couple of months ago and even now to this day I go back and forth with myself about being in a relationship with him. I see people who have been married for years going back and forth with themselves about being married. I have co-workers who are in their 30s talking about they need to do something with their lives and question what they want to do. I am questioning myself about that now and when I mention that, they laugh at me and say "You're 23 you still have time". Bitch, no I don't. I don't want to be in your position in ten years.

The other day mortgage broker and I argued because the person I was two years ago and the person I am now can't be that different because it was only two years and I told him yes I am because in two years a lot happens and people can/should grow. I do find myself encountering a lot of the same dilemmas but I am smarter, wiser and more equipped to deal with them better than before. That maks me proud of the person that I am.

I guess growing in age is inevitable but growing in maturity isn't gaurenteed.

Do we ever actually grow up and mature to behave like adults?


Consequences is updated.